PIP: Performance Improvement Perfume
By Preproduction Perfumery

Ah, the PIP. The ultimate corporate plot twist. It’s not just a document; it’s a rite of passage, a stress-inducing masterpiece of corporate doublespeak designed to “help you grow” while HR quietly measures your desk for the next hire. Whether you’re navigating this glorious charade as a man, woman, or someone who simply wants to survive the meeting unscathed, PIP: Performance Improvement Perfume is here to comfort you through every awkward check-in and thinly veiled threat to your career.

What does PIP smell like? It’s unisex, just like the universal pain of hearing, “We’re all rooting for you!” while they’re subtly removing you from the company Slack.

The top notes hit you like the opening lines of a PIP meeting: ginger, elemi, and pink pepper. Sharp, spicy, and almost energizing, much like the sudden realization that “we value your contributions” actually means “we’re halfway done writing your termination email.” These notes are scientifically stimulating, perfect for keeping you alert as you nod through feedback you already heard six times.

The heart of the fragrance is rose and papyrus. Romantic, smoky, and just a little melancholic, like the first time your manager suggested you “take ownership of your growth.” Rose is proven to calm the nerves (you’ll need that), while papyrus adds a dry, paper-like quality that pairs beautifully with the 12-page action plan you didn’t ask for.

The base grounds you with sandalwood, patchouli, and cashmeran, a warm, reassuring blend that whispers, “Maybe everything will be okay” as you prepare to Google “how to professionally beg for references.” Sandalwood is soothing, patchouli adds a touch of earthy depth (perfect for grounding your spiraling thoughts), and cashmeran wraps you in a synthetic hug, because God knows no one else in this situation will.

PIP smells like gaslighting, false hope, and the faint whiff of passive aggression. But beneath it all, it’s comforting, like a reminder that you’re more than a series of bullet points on an HR report.

Unisex, universal, undeniably relatable, PIP is the fragrance for anyone who’s ever left a meeting wondering if they’ll still have a job next month. Spray it on, take a deep breath, and remember: they can take your paycheck, but they can’t take your scent.